My Sister; My Friend

Some days it is just so hard to keep moving forward when all I want is to take 1000 steps backward to tell you so many of the things I didn't get to when you were alive. Everyday I think of who you were and what you would have been had you kicked the a** of that evil called cancer. I don't understand why. Why did it have to be you? Couldn't I have just had more time with you? But I did...I had 22 wonderful years with you and yet I threw them away. I threw away my time with you like it was nothing and treated you like you were nothing- even when I should have known those were the last times I would hear you laugh and see you smile; watching the twinkle spread up into your eyes where there were small creases from your continuous laughter. 

I fought with you so often it's a wonder we ever talked and for awhile....for awhile I know we didn't. Right now I am listening to the thunder and rain outside my apartment, crying and thinking of you. Reba is singing me a ballad from my soul...something I should have sung to you long ago...

You are my sister, were my sister...you are my friend, were my friend...and I miss you so much. I ache every day without you near and close. I ache thinking of all the things I said to you and how cruel they were. Jessi, I miss you so much. The loss of you has left such a hole inside of me I don't know if it will ever heal. I don't know what I am going to do without you. There are days I wake and think about needing to call you, but then I remember Heaven doesn't have a phone...or I remember that you're gone and then my heart sinks and I start to cry. 

Hey girl it's me i just called to tell you hi
Call me when you get this
Haven't talked lately so hard to find the time
Give the boys a big kiss
Tell them that I miss them
By the way I miss you too

I was thinking just today
About how we used to play
Barbie dolls and make-up
Tea parties dress up
I remember how we'd fight
We made up and laughed all night
Wish we were kids again
My sister my friend

Oh yeah before I forget I met someone
I think I really like him
I was wondering if I'm jumping the gun
By going out on a limb
And invite him home for Christmas
To meet the family

Seem like just yesterday
You brought home old what's his name
He had been drinking
What were you thinking
After dinner he passed out
We can laugh about it now
We've learned a lot since then
My sister my friend

Do you think you could come and see me sometime soon
We could just hang out like we used to
It's late and I should go
But I can'y hang up the phone
Until I tell you
What I don't tell you enough
Even though at times it seemed
We were more like enemies
I'd do it all again
My sister my friend  

Even when you were beaten, you were still smiling. You always smiled Jessi! Always. There was hardly a time I didn't see a smile on your face....unless you were dealing with my stupid stubbornness. I am sorry for that. I am sorry for what I did to you and all the things I said. 

I know you're in Heaven and you're looking down on us, but I don't feel any better about any of this-even knowing that. I want to see you again...I miss you... 

I will forever wear orange for you in the hopes that someday there will be a cure. I love you. I will see you again. And I had better see you again, because I'm not taking one foot off this Earth in the end without your picture...if I can't see you again. Because my heart would break even further. It's my only hope. It's what keeps me going- just knowing you are there, waiting for us. I refuse to say goodbye. I will see you later. I will talk to you later. That is a promise. 

Goodnight my sweet sister. I hope you have always...S.H.M.I.L.Y.